Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
You know what they say? Words.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
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