An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
You know what they say? Words.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
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