What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Knock knock.
Come in.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.