Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
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