Smart and funny one liners

An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
What do you call a toddler with a gun?
Infantry.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
I just flew in from Chernobyl... And boy my arms are legs.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time.
So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Why do riot police get up early?
To beat the crowds.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little knotsies
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.
But no, she’s still alive.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
It's only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan...
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
I w‌‌as screwing m‌‌y s‌‌ecretary u‌‌p t‌‌he butt w‌‌hen m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌alked i‌‌n.
She s‌‌aid, "‌‌You c‌‌an't d‌‌o t‌‌his t‌‌o m‌‌e!"
I s‌‌aid, "‌‌I k‌‌now... t‌‌hat's w‌‌hy I‌‌'m d‌‌oing i‌‌t t‌‌o h‌‌er.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.