An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
I think, therefore I’m single.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
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