Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
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