Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?

(Taylor Russell)

Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.

Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.

It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.

Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?

It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

"Halfway Down"

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!

– A. A. Milne

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.

Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.

It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.

(Martin Dejnicki)

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

"I Love to Hate You"

Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!

— Jan Allison

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.

I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.

However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.

(Sarah Allen)

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.