Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.

There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

— Ogden Nash

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.

I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.