It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
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