What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'

Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."

Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.