That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?

You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.

My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.

When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."

There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.

Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.

Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?

There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

"My Dog"

My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.

His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.

He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.

I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!

– Steve Hanson

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away

(Anonymous)

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money