It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’

It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.

Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."

Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"

It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

"A Knotty Problem"

A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?

– Patrick Winstanley

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Damn.

Let me kiss you.

(Unknown)

How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."

My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.

Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.