What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans

I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.

I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane

(Anonymous)

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.

I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.

However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.

(Sarah Allen)

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.

What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.

(Gelett Burgess)

What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.

Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read

If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you

(Horst Winkler)

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.

It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.

That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!