My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.

It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.

I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.

How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.

"Dog and Pony Show"

Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!

– Denise Rodgers

It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.

Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?

Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!

When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.

My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”

A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"

It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.

Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.