What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
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