I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Go to BabaMail
