Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
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