The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
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