What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
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