What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.

What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."

It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.

Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?

There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.

As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

I think, therefore I’m single.

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?