Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
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