There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
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