When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
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