What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
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