What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.

Happy birthday!

(Kevin Nishmas)

She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?

Groovy.

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.

A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!

There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.

"Now We Are Six"

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.

– A.A. Milne