What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
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