I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
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