When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
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