Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.

Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.

A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.

It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.

What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.

The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.

Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.

We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.

When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.

- Jim Slaughter

There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.

It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.

There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president

How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?

The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.

But they did get a tan. A puritan.

You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.

(Unknown)

Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?

It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.

Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!