I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?

What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.

A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.

"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"

If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.

– Shel Silverstein

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.

What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.

What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.

But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.

And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.

Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.

- Catherine Pulsifer

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!

(Kristin Frederick)

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

The kids are rumbling and tumblin'

Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.

The football teams are taking a knee,

On Grandma's big screen t.v.

The leaves outside are turning yellow

'Cause winter's coming to say hello.

The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,

Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Tamara.

Tamara who?

Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.