It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Knock knock.
Come in.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
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