Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
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