My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

"Snowball"

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.

– Shel Silverstein

How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.

Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.

“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”

A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.

It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!

My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.

If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.