How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.

(Ray Gridley)

Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.

This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.

(Joanna Fuchs)

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'

It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.

My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

What do turkeys and women have in common?

A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president

"Now We Are Six"

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.

– A.A. Milne

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!

It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty

You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit

You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger

Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.

At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.

I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.