A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
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