Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Go to BabaMail
