Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty

We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash

The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs

Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape

But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.


- Paul Curtis

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.

My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.

I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.

What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.

Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.

It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.