Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
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