Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
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