Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
Go to BabaMail
