Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
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