There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.

(Unknown)

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.

Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.

"Put Up With Me"

I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

– Holly Giffers

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.

"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

– Emily Dickinson

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?

It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.

Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.

What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.

(Barry Stebbings)

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind

(Anonymous)

How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.

Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!

Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...

What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.

Constipated people don’t give a crap.

A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.