It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
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