When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
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