One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
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