Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
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