Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
I bet you I could stop gambling.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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