What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.

Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!

(Samatha C. Ringle)

I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.

How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.

Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."