I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
Go to BabaMail
