Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
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