What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."

We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.

Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.

It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!

What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards

Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.

Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."

Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.

Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)

People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.

You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.

(Unknown)

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

"Little Boy Blue"

Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.

Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!

– Darren Sardelli

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.