My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.

What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

"Unsatisfied Yearning"

Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,

In order to get out.

Once in the glittering starlight.

He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.

In order to get in.

– R.K. Munkittrick

Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.

Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

"I Know You Like Me Best"

Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.

Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.

Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise

They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent

These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort

They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more

I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!