Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
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