A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

– Emily Dickinson

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.

What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.

It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

"Dust"

The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!

– P. A. Ropess

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.

It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!

It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.