An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

"Sweet Tooth Andy"

Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.

– Denise Rodgers

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.

Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.

How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.

It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.

How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!

If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.

(By Steve Mckee)

According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.

Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!

Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.

It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.