They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."

Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"

277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.

My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.

An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

"My Doggy Ate My Essay"

My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”

– Darren Sardelli

There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.

(Jeffrey Krise)

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.

(Jessica Miles)

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

"Exclamation!"

I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!

They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!

It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!

Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!

As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?

(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)

– Fiona Halliday

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.