On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.

We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.

There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.

"Little Boy Blue"

Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.

Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!

– Darren Sardelli

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"

A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.

"It was me, you have a problem with that?"

"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."

Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

"Dear Brother of Mine"

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.

There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.

I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.

But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys

What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."

Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.

(Shel Silverstein)

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.

How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."

I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.