"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

– Emily Dickinson

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

- Paul Curtis

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Him: Awww, of course!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

What is sticky and brown? A stick!

Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)

Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."

Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"

Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."

"Little Boy Blue"

Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.

Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!

– Darren Sardelli

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.