What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store

An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

My mother loves butter more than I do,

more than anyone. She pulls chunks off

the stick and eats it plain, explaining

cream spun around into butter!

- Elizabeth Alexander

It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

"Slicing Salami"

The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!

– Denise Rodgers

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?

He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.

Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.

Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night

From hells realm
Making me take flight

I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer

And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser

Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits

They were no defence
Against evil spirits

- Paul Curtis

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.

Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.