When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"

It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.

An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.

On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."

Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."

It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.

Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.

Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"

Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me

What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you

(Anonymous)

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

"My Missing Shoe"

I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?

What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!

Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.