Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
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