What makes music on your head?
A headband.

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."

It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.

How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

"Bed in Summer"

In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

– Robert Louis Stevenson

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?

An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.

There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.

World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.

What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.

My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”

I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.

"Bee and Bee"

The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower

As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.

– Patrick Winstanley

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.