"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
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