What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.

What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.

It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.

"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"

I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.

– Judith Viorst

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

"I Know You Like Me Best"

Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”

Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.

What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.

Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.