I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)

It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"

There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.

It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.

I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)

Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

A Poem by a Cat

I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.

I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.

It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.