God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
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