When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!

"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"

Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

"Standing on a Chair"

I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!

You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.

I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.

I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!

– Steve Hanson

How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.

There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.

My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.

Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!

A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.

What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.

I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.

(John Williams)

Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.

It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.

My Little Chocolate Mess

Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.

Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!

In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!

(Darlene Gifford)