Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”

Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.

Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.

Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

(Unknown)

My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.

What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.

Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.

How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.

(Dixon Lanier Merritt)

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"

- Gail DeBole

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.

There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.

Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.

Happy birthday!

(Kevin Nishmas)

Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.

In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.

For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.