What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
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