So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!

According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.

"Dog and Pony Show"

Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!

– Denise Rodgers

"A Knotty Problem"

A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?

– Patrick Winstanley

The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Damn.

Let me kiss you.

(Unknown)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.

A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.

Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.

If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.

Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.

My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!