When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.

"Diaper Alert"

My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.

Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!

No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.

A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.

What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!

– Running Wolves

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.

What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!

Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.

Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.

What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"

A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.

"It was me, you have a problem with that?"

"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.

(Kevin Nishmas)

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?

My mother loves butter more than I do,

more than anyone. She pulls chunks off

the stick and eats it plain, explaining

cream spun around into butter!

- Elizabeth Alexander

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air,

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

- Jack Prelutsky

Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)