What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."

Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.

Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

A Poem by a Cat

I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!

(Kristin Frederick)

What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.

What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.

It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.