Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.

How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.

If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.

(By Steve Mckee)

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.

I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.

Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?

There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.

It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.

Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.