What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...

There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.

Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm

(Anonymous)

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!

Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air,

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

- Jack Prelutsky

Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind

(Anonymous)

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.