Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
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