I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
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