So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.

There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.

"Halfway Down"

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!

– A. A. Milne

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’

- Julie Anna Douglas

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

First you got an alligator.

Next came a giraffe.

Lions ride your elevator,

bears hide in your bath.

Bunnies,

chimps,

(a duck?),

raccoons.....

run amok through all your rooms!

Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!

(Lycia Harding)

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

“Father”

My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.

– Edgar Albert Guest

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

"Tom Tigercat"

Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.

Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.

– J. Patrick Lewis

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.