Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
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