Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!

Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!

Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

"99 Dogs"

I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?

Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

"Sweet Tooth Andy"

Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.

– Denise Rodgers

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.

If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.

But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.

And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.

Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.

- Catherine Pulsifer

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Knock knock.
Come in.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

"The Fly"

God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.

– Ogden Nash

There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.

Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.

What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.

On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.