"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.