There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
Knock knock.
Come in.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
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