I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
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