Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
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