It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”

There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.

It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."

It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.

(Jeffrey Krise)

Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

"Snowball"

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.

– Shel Silverstein

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.

There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.