Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.

Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty

We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash

The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs

Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape

But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.


- Paul Curtis

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air,

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

- Jack Prelutsky

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.

"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."

The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.

What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?

Turkey.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.