My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

– Emily Dickinson

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?

Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.

Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.

Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.

(Shel Silverstein)

There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.

Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.

For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail

It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.

You know what they say? Words.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.