Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
You know what they say? Words.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
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