"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.

Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too

What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!

Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.

The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape

Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.

- Patrick Winstanley

It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'

Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

"My Missing Shoe"

I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.