"Front Row"

My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.

– Denise Rodgers

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!

How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.

A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.

I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.

(Unknown)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"

It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)

For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.

As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.

Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?