There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.

There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.

It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.

I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.

There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

"Grandparents' Advice"

Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!

– Mary R. Hurley

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.

Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?

When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.

I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.

(Sarina McConnell)

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.

My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.

Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you

How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.