There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
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