May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)

A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.

What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.

Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.

There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!

(Samatha C. Ringle)

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.

"Dear Brother of Mine"

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.

There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.

I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.

But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.

Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.

Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.

What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.

(Martin Dejnicki)

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.

How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.

(By Jessica Miles)

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.