Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

"The Porcupine"

Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.

– Ogden Nash

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

"Unsatisfied Yearning"

Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,

In order to get out.

Once in the glittering starlight.

He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.

In order to get in.

– R.K. Munkittrick

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"

What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make

Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.

Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.

Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.

(Joanna Davis)

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

How did the Pilgrims die?

It was the Pil-grim Reaper.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.

There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!


Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly

(Jan Allison)

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.