How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!

Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.

What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.

There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.