If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
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