How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
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