A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
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