“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!

Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?

(Taylor Russell)

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."

There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.

Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!


Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly

(Jan Allison)

"Trouble"

Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.

– David Keppel

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.

A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?

Groovy.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?

What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.

What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.