Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.

Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”

We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene

However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which

"Front Row"

My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.

– Denise Rodgers

There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.

What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.

Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.

My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.

What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

"Unsatisfied Yearning"

Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,

In order to get out.

Once in the glittering starlight.

He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.

In order to get in.

– R.K. Munkittrick

Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.