An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
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