If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
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